Why the name of every NFL team is offensive and must be changed

So the Washington Redskins are no more. We don’t know what they’re going to be called, but the team has caved to the woke pressure of its corporate sponsors, er, we mean embraced cultural sensitivity, and will no longer embrace its offensive, racist name.

But this is just the start. The truth is that every team nickname in the NFL is offensive. If you haven’t realized this, you are clearly part of the problem, but we are here to help. We will explain, division by division, why the NFL has 31 name-changes to go before it can be spared cancellation:

NFC NORTH

Minnesota Vikings: White European marauders who pillaged their way across the world? With blond hair? They’re practically Aryans.

Chicago Bears: The Bear was the longtime symbol of the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union has not existed for 29 years, but Russia does. The political left loved Russia until they got the idea Donald Trump loves Russia (which is garbage, but whatever), so now they hate it. No team can be named after the former symbol of a defunct country whose successor the left thinks Donald Trump loves.

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Detroit Lions: You know those family crests that really rich people sometimes have? They often have lions on them. This name is classist.

Green Bay Packers: You might think this name would be OK, because this franchise only exists as a result of the socialist system of subsidy that exists in the NFL. But in fact, it is also classist. Who packs? People who travel. Who can afford to travel? Rich people. I rest my case.

NFC EAST

New York Giants: Sizeist. How dare you insult large people by naming a team after them? Or . . . how dare you insult small people by not naming a team after them? Whichever one works for you.

Philadelphia Eagles: The jingoistic symbol of American strength is deeply offensive. Universe bless the whole world.

Dallas Cowboys: Cowboys were gun-toting, individualist perpetrators of machismo in the patriarchal wild west. Also, cows are girls.

Washington ???????s: No matter what nickname they choose, George Washington allegedly owned slaves. And he never did tell the truth about that cherry tree.

NFC SOUTH

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: On the surface, there’s a lot to like here. The marauding behavior of the Buccaneers would fit right in with the rioting and looting that goes on in American cities today. But the Buccaneers owned their own boats, and that means they were rich.

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New Orleans Saints: How dare you name a team after people who believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, as if other religions are not equally invalid? Also, have you ever been to Mardi Gras? There’s not much saintly behavior going on there.

Atlanta Falcons: There was a character named Anthony Falconetti in the 1976 miniseries Rich Man, Poor Man, which was clearly guilty of class exploitation. So this is too close.

Carolina Panthers: A recent poll show that at least 2 percent of former members of the Black Panthers are offended by the use of this name by the Carolina NFL franchise.  It has to go.

NFC WEST

San Francisco 49ers: How dare a bunch of fortune seekers travel west in search of gold that would allow them to become part of the 1 percent?

Los Angeles Rams: In Genesis 22, when God tells Abraham he doesn’t have to sacrifice his son Isaac after all, Abraham finds a ram stuck in some thorny bushes and sacrifices the ram instead. So this is an animal mentioned in the same Bible that Jack Phillips reads, and Jack Phillips won’t bake gay wedding cakes.

Seattle Seahawks: Technically there is no such thing as a seahawk, but those fluorescent green uniforms are so hideous that the whole package simply has to go.

Arizona Cardinals: Cardinals are high-ranking officials in the Catholic Church, which is known for everything from the selling of indulgences to turning violent nuns loose on unsuspecting grade school students. And don’t think you can get away with changing the name to Monsignors, either.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers: The money-grubbing capitalists who exploit the natural resource of steel in the pursuit of profit – and at the expense of workers and the environment – must be destroyed.

Baltimore Ravens: The Raven was a poem written by Edgar Allan Poe, a white European expressing his privilege through verse. Quoth this column, “Nevermore.”

Cleveland Browns: It seems obvious, I suppose, but we also think it’s worth noting anyway: Eat too many brownies and you’ll end up being offended by the Giants.

Cincinnati Bengals: Although we dig their version of Hazy Shade of Winter, we think it’s sexist to name a team full of men after a girl band.

AFC EAST

New England Patriots: So you define patriotism as a bunch of flag-waving, jingoistic machismo? That rockets’ red glare is a symbol of oppression to many, and it really freaks out dogs.

Miami Dolphins: Ever been to Sea World? Notice how they exploit marine life? Besides, dolphins aren’t even fish. What are they doing in the water? They’re worse than Christopher Columbus.

Buffalo Bills: Oh sure. A team named after Bill. What about guys named Bob? Did anyone bother to find out how they feel?

New York Jets: Do you have any idea how much CO2 jets put into the air? Eighty years from now, when New York is an underwater reef because all the glaciers melted, you’ll wish Joe Namath had never been born.

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis Colts: Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a colt. Did anyone ask the Palestinians if that was OK with them?

Tennessee Titans: Titans are some sort of massive godlike creatures. We’re offended by the religious implications. Also, we’re pretty sure only rich people were on the Titanic.

Houston Texans: Who was our last Texan president? George W. Bush. Next!

Jacksonville Jaguars: You know damn well the 99 percent aren’t driving Jaguars. And why did they take that cool cat off the hood?

AFC WEST

Kansas City Chiefs: You think it’s a Native American thing, but no. Who leads police departments? When we can call 911 for a social worker, then this team can keep its name.

Las Vegas Raiders: Similar to the Buccaneers, the behavior of the Raiders is kind of appealing. But that guy with the eyepatch on the helmet reminds of us Republican Congressman Dan Crenshaw, and that is not OK.

Los Angeles Chargers: Have you ever considered the carbon footprint you leave when you sit there and charge your phone? Do you think the power grid exists just so you can follow Donald Trump’s Twitter feed?

Denver Broncos: The police should never have chased O.J. in that Bronco. They should have been looking for the real killer.